It’s a trap!

I long ago realized that no one is exactly as they appear. It is a reality that is sometimes pleasant and other times painful, but is a universal truth nonetheless. Consider for a moment Batman. The caped crusader, the dark knight, what if in the newest installment of the series it is revealed that Bruce Wayne was actually a robot sent back in time to rid Gotham of evil. Well, aside from some MAJOR continuity problems, it would be a major letdown, not to mention a copyright infringement. Although it would explain the stoicism, even with their advanced technology the one thing they couldn’t build is love. By the way if Joel Schumaker sees this he might try and make another movie, if so shoot him on sight. Anyhoo, I’ve just finished reading the very first installment of the James Bond series by Ian Fleming “Casino Royale” if you have not yet read it, do so. The movie was good, but the book is fantastic. Fleming has a way of writing that really needs no movie adaptation, it’s just that vivid a read. Although I am picturing Sean Connery as Bond in this and every other Bond book I plan to read. Anything else is herecy. HERECY! Well that is all, here’s my own thoughts on how the last supper SHOULD have gone.

It’s the sound of the visible minorities working on the chain

So Russia is my new hero. Well that’s not really true, Russia has always had a special place in my heart, but when communism died, I thought less of my dear Russia. Like if Rapunzel suddenly decided to go with a crew cut, you’re not sure what to do, all these years you knew where you stood and how to get into the tower, now you have to come up with a whole new game plan. Anyway, so check this link http://www.sensibleerection.com/go.php/entry/71904/url/http://www.nme.com/news/my-chemical-romance/38392 .

In unrelated news I am two weeks away from starting my new job, it involves not dealing with snotty customers, driving around occasionally, a pay raise, and to work with some pretty stellar guys (or so I hear). It’s bitter sweet really, like leaving an old reliable bordello you’ve frequented for years and moving on to a new more imposing bordello in a different part of town where the likelihood of you getting a viral infection is slightly less. And now for the random pic of the day!

See! Nazis invented UFOs!!!!

No one clap for him, it only encourages him!

So two things I got to go into today. The first item is a lantern festival I attended last night. Now usually it’s a pretty tight gig, bunch of people dress-up, make fancy lanterns decorating one of the bigger parks in the city there’s music and dancing and all-in-all a good time is had by all. I danced with a bunch of hungarians, made a jolly old ass of myself. 

 

Yeah that guy was awesome, definitely considering fire ninja as an occupation now. “What do you do for a living?” “Oh, you know, I’m a fire ninja, I harness the power of fire to beat my enemies on the field of honor. And you? Lawyer? That’s cool, ever impaled your enemies with a flaming bo-staff? Didn’t thinkso.”

Wish I had more to report, but it’s been pretty uneventful this sunday july 27. Perhaps tomorrow will bring the revitalized third reich I have been warning passerbys in the streets for the past nine years and then I will write a large “I told you so” post. Only time will tell…..

Why people need to be steralized

So I originally started this just to be an ass to my buddy James, but I figured this gave me a opening to vent my mind to the world in general. Fear for your sanity mwahaha. Anyway so I was working today in my crappy customer service job (to which I could tell many a horror story about terrible human beings) and this woman comes in demanding to know whether a particular salmon treat we sell is made from farmed salmon or ‘caught as they swim’ salmon. I work in a pet food and supplies store just an fyi. Anyhoo she was quite blunt about this and was only wanting the un-farmed salmon and it hit me. What is the big deal with farmed salmon? Sure they don’t follow the course that nature intended for them, but as it stands now wild salmon are endangered from over-fishing and from other blunders by mankind. Oh don’t forget that their own natural predators are eating them as well, I get a kick out of that when I read the news and in big headlines it reads “Seals hunting salmon at river endings” or something to that effect. So basically the seals have wisened up and are staking out the areas where the salmon spawn out of after they’ve hatched where river meets ocean and eating them before they hit open ocean. Take that humans! We deserve it frankly, these poor sods are being deprived of their natural food source and they do what’s necessary to survive, and we get pissed off with them for it. How dare you take OUR fish. Fuck, it’s like we’re the only species on this planet that deserves to live or something. Fan-fucking-tastic. Well, if we keep this up ‘caught as they swim’ salmon will be a thing of the past, and that won’t be purely a loss for humans, we can still eat farmed salmon afterall. Maybe if we’re truly magnanimous, we’ll spare the seals some scraps. So people, take the stick firmly entrenched in your ass, and think about someone other than yourselves or your precious fluffy, think about those whose lives actually depend on the salmon spawn every year. And that whole ‘wild salmon don’t do drugs’ thing? Well if we didn’t over-consume to the umpteenth degree, we wouldn’t need modified meats and veggies, as it stands now I don’t have money flying out of my ass to afford free-range anything, so I buy farmed products, and I’m not ashamed of it, afterall it’s our own greed, sloth, and gluttony that has gotten us into this global food crisis. But yours truly is waiting for the year solent green arrives at our markets, it’s my kind of people!

James must Die

This is a blog dedicated to two things. One, the complete and utter annihilation of James Turner, the second is to reveal my deepest, and darkest secrets known only to myself, and a secret organization of mole people who live below the surface awaiting the day the sun is blackened and they may exact their terrible revenge on mankind.

That being said, I have a few thoughts on the current economic crisis and food shortages in the world. It’s James’ fault. The situation in Afghanistan? That’s James again. Increase in terrorist activity and nuclear armaments in totalitarian regimes? Well that’s not 100% James’ fault, it’s more like 60-40 the 60 going to Zombie Stalin and Zombie Trotsky. Who turned cats and dogs against each other? Well, that was God but I’m pretty sure he only did it to look cool in front of James. Crusifiction of Jesus, that was totally James, he always hated that guy, and what’s worse is poor Judas took the wrap. And the real reason why James is a dick is because he personally cancelled every t.v. show that got cancelled before it’s prime, that’s right you have James to thank for that one.

So today I got up and I thought to myself, “Duncan, why are you so awesome?” I had NO answer! It was like God didn’t want me to answer that because the answer would be so monumental that all other questions would be made to be stupid. Why do good people die? When’s Jesus coming back? Why is it that no one notices that Clark Kent is superman with glasses and slightly mussed hair? STUPID. No, this will shake the very foundations of the world and will make everything we think we know incorrect, and everything we fear knowing a frightening reality. I remember when I was five and growing up in the fatherland on the old Hauser potato farm, my father took me aside one day after I had successfully invaded and trampled the polish turnip farm next door, he said, “son, you’re destined for great things, you have the drive and the rougish good looks to be the next Archie Bunker.” Those words still stick with me to this day, and even though my father was high on paint fumes at the time, the thoughts behind those words still brings a tear to my eye. Anyway to make a long story less long, I need one million dollars to finish my orbital sattelite designed to zap chairs just as people are about to sit in them. I’ll make a fortune from the gag reels alone! In closing, never trust a Bolgarian who cannot say ‘vessels’ properly, he’s most likely armed with a carrot.